what this name means

Separate Ways

2009-12-25T19:07:50Z

Every Beat of My Heart

"So here we stand
Anchored in Hope
Letting the rain wash away every fear

Stars in the sky
Twinkle and shine
I pray they won't disappear

'Cause I don't know
where your journey goes
or how long it will take to unfold
But as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
I will be watching over every beat of your heart

I wish that time
Could be replayed
I'd keep you here with me everyday

They say that love is letting go
I hope that you find your way

'Cause I don't know
where your journey goes
or how long it will take to unfold
But as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
I know you're watching over every beat of my heart"

By Corrinne May
"Safe in a Crazy World"

Remembrances

2009-12-21T18:19:40Z

Beautiful remembrances that defined Contradix and Carrion... written beautifully by Contradix.

'two parallel paths meeting
a stolen connection without sight
angel at sunrise
rhapsody search in bathroom books
a piece of calmness in the wee-hours
something right in my disc-changer
english rose in the corner
western migrated north
max on the table
big city tom
teardrops in kate
supper with diane
complimentary desserts at soba
pine and bamboo, freshness and oil
embarrassing lean meat buns
hugging the bears
oops... i do not know italian
a pile of yuckies in canal
wrinkleless lamer
trust and the giver
feeling of the complete
the tips of linen
the phone lines are opened, please dial...
the phone lines are closed, please dial tomorrow...
anticipating butterflies
a baby's breath in the morning
sugar-rush in new york cafe
sizing up on the left bed
4406400 is ticking
blue mat in public
balls flying amiss
tummies in the east
slumbering palm to the north
ball kissing forcefully at face
lubricating eye-drops found none
1-Day 625 in degree
afternoon insertions
secret connections in a flight
beating beside each other
embracing the embracer
headache after 4am
cosmopolitan lesbians
rubbing stubbles at the peak
scent of a natural scent
blood rush at close proximity
uncontrollable interaction
games in non-existence
fusion of incompleteness, perfection in imperfection
seafood and lobster with romeo and juliet
complete understanding in silent thoughts
inner touch beneath the ribs
hearing a heartbeat
missing a heartbeat

and she said ... "this is heartbroken"
and i said ... "this is heartbroken"
this is heartbroken'

By Contradix

"But if my silence made you leave,
Then that would be my worst mistake.
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break.

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows."

- "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel

A Glimmer of Hope

2009-12-02T18:01:09Z

Met with the doctor today, and was told that my mom's finally ready to undergo the flap and skin graft. The situation unfortunately if left on its own, relying on V.A.C., does not seem to yield any further improvement, though that is the safest approach. The antibiotic treatment, after 2 and half weeks, seems to be showing some efficacy.

Hopefully this will help boost her recovery. I could see the anticipation in her eyes when I explained the option to her. I guess she is desperate to get up and walk by herself, even if it means needing some form of assistance. We couldn't possibly deprive her of that chance, that glimmer of hope.

And so next Tuesday it is, and I pray for hope to prevail.

Progression & Regression

2009-11-13T05:40:41Z

It's just started pouring... with such a ferocity that it's scaring the doggies a little.

Had wanted to go out and get some lunch, but with the rain beating down like that, don't know if it's feasible. So is the rain stopping me from wanting to do what I want?

There's been a great deal festering within, and I don't know how to get it out. Some things are making huge progress, so much so that I can hardly keep pace, and the path, if perservered upon, will definitely meet its glorious end. However, there are others that seem to be circling within the same old box, and I am feeling frustrated and helpless.

Sometimes, goodbye can mean a second chance... true?

proud

2006-09-23T05:21:54Z

i haven't had time recently, to stop and say these words...

that i'm proud of the voice that he has found.

a decade ago, i found the courage to speak to a crowd of about 500 about who i was. now, he has and will continue to speak to hundreds, possibly thousands of people about who he is, through a book that has immortalised a slice of his life.

and it even has a face to the name.

i am proud of you, brother. and to hear from business partners and friends they can recognise we are brothers, it's comforting and uplifting. yes, i am proud of you.

let's hear the voice, without tremours, without stutter.

a little peeved...

2006-09-04T16:11:01Z

i was a little vexed this morning...

woke up at 6.45am, struggling to get out of bed, in order to oblige a silly wish from my mom, which i wouldn't even care to go into details here.

we had a great deal to accomplish, despite the early hours - ferry her over to my new flat, get me to work, and have contradix report to work all by 8.30am. and of course, all these had to be accomplished amidst crazy traffic along upper thomson road, lornie road, and ultimately to the city area.

hated the idea that she could have made such a thoughtless suggestion that would have put us to such inconvenience and had us feel so exceedingly obliged.

and so this morning, we had to be scurrying with contradix waiting for us downstairs at the car... i was walking very fast to signal to her that this request was inconceivably inconvenient, and that we could potentially be very late for our work.

but as i turned back, and saw her scurrying as best she could to keep up, i suddenly began to realise that she was doing this all out of good intentions, and just as we woke up early, she did too. perhaps she thought this was possibly the best time given our tight schedules. and my heart began to awaken to how i could have played a better role in moderating this episode, right from the time it was suggested. if ever there was anyone i should be angry with, it should be me. if only i could have been a little more decisive at the point that this happened, to counter propose a better solution, we would not have to go through it.

mom, i m sorry for bearing the grudge like i did this morning. thank you for making me realise that i've yet to speak up at the right time to handle a situation more maturely and sensibly right then at the moment. hub, and to you too...i will know better how to handle it next time.

love you both...

final theory test...

2006-08-31T07:56:29Z

yes, it's final...i can now finally put away the final theory texts!
now it's a matter of preparing for the test of all tests, the real thing...

11 dec...at 11am...looks like a set of auspicious numbers...hmmm, i hope they will bode well for me.

and in the meantime, other commitments await, with other deadlines...

each a small step, but it sure feels good to be on the move...

and i'm definitely looking forward to being on the move (literally in more ways than one) come dec...

promise of a new day

2006-08-27T18:07:16Z

we greeted the news with a little trepidation, not knowing if this merger meant that people would be axed, the organisation would be downsized.

but now that we are on the cusp of it all, i know i am excited. in fact, i think i haven't been this excited about work for a long long time.

come october 1st, we'll all be selling CNA, Radio, TODAY and Publications.

and the division structure came out the other day. just when i was about to think that the structure would be flattened, with me no longer heading a team, there were more surprises coming my way.

staff who used to report to me were by default more junior, but now i lead a team consisting of individuals who could have been with their respective business units for as long as i have been with radio. so i guess i am no longer a team leader by default.

the realisation has no doubt given me pressure to ensure that i perform in front of these new subordinates, but it has more importantly given me an impetus to do better than i've ever done before. and i am somehow feeling a little nudged to charge forward.

suddenly, i am proud of where i am, and more importantly of how much more i need to go.

some of my current subordinates feel that with the merger, they are at the bottom of the rung, but little do they realise that we are all starting at ground zero - i may be leading a team, but i need to equally prove myself too. i hope they will look beyond the game of titles and designations, and see that what's before them, is really an opportunity to fulfil their potential with a new audience.

i know i m equipped with what it takes to do a better job, one that will be better than what i've done so far. i am not blind to obstacles along the way, but i will equally not be blind to the challenges that will take me further.

loss and gain

2006-08-27T17:21:34Z

a friend just came out of a relationship.....

and the first response he gave to me was: "i'm glad i'm not the one losing more out of this relationship."

i was a little disturbed by the response. surely that should not be the first thing that would register when we come out of a relationship - who has put in more, and loses more in turn.....

then came the justification..."well, since i've been the one giving him all the free concert passes, and have been paying for so many things."

i was rendered speechless, 'cos i think it is the "commonest" of all sense that things like that don't exactly hold on to a relationship.....

i believe when we come out of a relationship, we all stand to lose something. that is an unfortunate given, pardon the irony, whether we are the one to initiate the break-up or not. note, i am not talking about ending a period of dating, with someone whom you've been seeing for some time - even on an exclusive basis - i am talking about full relationships that had 2 individuals living out their aspirations and dreams together. where plans had been made with 2 persons in mind, where compromises had been made and passions for a better living fuelled .

so it is really pointless to see which party has lost more...for everything becomes relative, especially in a situation like that. i am not trying to be self-righteous about this...but i am also glad that this episode has also made me see one thing...

that i would want to see what it is that i've gained when i end a relationship. and i do in turn hope that my partner who's been with me for whatever amount of time that has been, has also gained something he would be proud to own.

that together, our lives have not been in vain.

that sinking feeling...

2006-08-23T16:04:45Z

that sinking feeling...

people talk about it, i read about it...and i ultimately felt it with full force of its meaning yesterday.

that sinking feeling gripped me, and shook me, all within that split second when the sound of a bang rang in my ears.

everyone asked me, don't you have a sensor to warn you as you reverse? well in that moment when i was dead focused on looking at the rear view and side mirrors, i think i must have also been equally dead in my ears too!

and now i have cracked rear lights and a bumper that had certainly seen better days. and i'll probably be a few hundreds poorer.

well, i will be unfazed and since i have already eperienced that sinking feeling so early on, things can only get better as i drive more.

--------------------------------------------------- silence -----------------------------------------------------------------------

this is a minute of silence that i am dedicating to this sinking feeling that i will never want to and will do everything to avoid experiencing henceforth.

to be...

2006-08-17T17:37:22Z

it is an almost universal opinion that the programming folks back at my work place are a bunch that are a tad too comfortable with their lives here. very often, we look at them with pity and certain condescension that should they ever leave this place, they would never be able to find work anywhere else. and so they continue to just live by the daily grind, complain as they go along and work when someone else is watching...

today, i spoke to a station MD (Music Director) who had tendered his resignation, after years of service. rumour had originally been rife that he tendered because of his unhappiness over the retraction of benefits or promotion, but i think he left me speechless after i spoke to him this afternoon.

"so i heard you were leaving"
"yes, decided to pursue my dream of film making" he flashed a huge grin that belied the passion that he was actually feeling.

"film making?" i was genuinely surprised. "i didn't know you are that much a film buff"

"yes, it's always been my dream. we'll be leaving in a week's time for canada where i'll check out all the film schools."

"we as in the whole family?" he has a wife and 2 kids aged 10 and 5.

"yeah, it's a big risk i know, but the family really supports the idea, and the kids can go to school for free for the first year in canada. in fact my mom just finished her masters in canada, and encouraged us to join her"

and so i realised that this had been carefully planned with everyone's interests in mind. that it wasn't a foolhardy decision to spite anyone. and i was immediately humbled by what i heard. even i have, on previous occasions, thought him to be lame and langorous when it came to work.

but to uproot himself and his family, to a foreign land in pursuit of a set of dreams was something completely held me in awe. and suddenly i was shamed by my own inertia on countless occasions through these years. i finally realised that i wasn't above everyone else and that i was guilty as charged like many of them.

his mom earning her masters at the age of more than half a century....

i think i've got a long way to go.

yes, i am looking forward to october when my own studies will begin. destiny's just begun.

"i wish we could open our eyes to see in all directions at the same time
oh what a beautiful view, if you were never aware of what was around you
and it is true what you said: that i live like a hermit in my own head
but when the sun shines again, i'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in."

------ taken from "marching bands of manhattan" by death cab for cutie

from this day forward...

2006-08-17T16:25:03Z

august 16...a mini milestone for me.

this day marked the day that i collected the keys to my own home. i am now a proud owner of my own property. a property that i will strive to make home, raised on pillars of love, comfort, solace and joy.

plans have all been laid, designs for the place have been confirmed - all done with love and a mutual consideration for each other. a process that i've loved every step of the way, characterised by a consultative approach that had taken the living habits of inhabitants with careful thoughtfulness. from the initial decision on the size of property that we could afford, to scouting around ang mo kio, to the look-out for sales items for the house. gosh, i've learnt so much in the process, gone out to obscure places and warehouses to look for furniture and furnishings. the tabulation of costs, and planning of finances.

and now, what's left is for the renovations to start once the lunar 7-month is over.

i was excited about this day, and i still am. but i guess with the planning and buying all done, it's a bit of an anti-climax now that the day has arrived. but i am sure that when the renovations start, with each passing week, seeing the progress of what we've visualised and hoped for, become tangible before my eyes, the excitement will grip me all over again.

but with this day, i've also become a little self reflecting.

this day marks, in no small way, my coming of age. a coming of age at least in the eyes of the law, qualifying me to legally possess a property of my own (well, at least i am talking about hdb properties). and with this validation, i begin to ask myself, in what other ways have i been the 36-year old man that i should be.

at 36, i've gone through quite a bit, an unconventional family where my childhood was subjected to unspoken undercurrents in our daily (seemingly happy) lives as a result of my dad having 2 wives. and in that respect i grew up all too soon, understanding that adults have problems and no perfect solutions, that everyone makes mistakes and everyone pays for them too.

at school, it was not easy grappling with an attraction for people you were not supposed to feel an attraction for. and the army, supposedly a place of redemption for the fumbling masculinity, became the budding ground where first love (or infatuation) took a hold like never before.

and how the years further to that evolved into a journey of self discovery and self assurance. and armed with a fuzzy idea of what love was, how i launched into the world to search for someone i could give that love to in my 20s. some things worked, and some things didn't. friends were made and friends were lost. over time, how i've managed to steel myself against the pain of loss. how hope was renewed at each failure, to do better the next time. yes, i've enjoyed some successes along the way and am proud of the way i've turned out, all things considered.

but today i feel that i've yet to be a 36 year-old that i can truly be proud of. there have been times when decisiveness was required and i was evasive, wanted something and yet did not have the tenacity to see it through. feeling the pulse of life throbbing, yet choosing to ebb and hibernate. times when accountability was the order of the day, yet what i reciprocated with was irresponsibility. times when i thought i was putting someone else's need before mine, yet i was only thinking of my own gratification.

it is really time for me to think carefully about the people around me, the ones who are near and dear.

if i believe in love and all its tenets, if i truly believe in those things, then i trust that it will also give me a sense of where to go, and how to take that path.

from this day forward.....

looking at the glass dish that holds the keys, it does feel good. i think there will be cause for celebration in time to come when everything is ready.....

the distant light

2006-08-13T16:08:21Z

allelu...

alleluia
i made it through
the day without you
just a day
another day but i'm on my way

and for a hushed sweet moment
everything made sense
and all my misplaced judgements
were awash with innocence
for a hushed sweet moment
it felt like time stood still
i only know i love you
and that i always will

by the shore
near the harbour
a distant light
shines on the water
just a light
oh distant light
guide me through the night

and for a hushed sweet moment
everything made sense
and all my misplaced judgements
were awash with innocence
for a hushed sweet moment
it felt like time stood still
i only know i love you
and that i always will

an alleluia chorus
rang out across the waves
i have not gone the distance
but i m on my way

and for a hushed sweet moment
it felt like time stood still
i only know i love you
and that i always will

i only know i love you
and that i always will

mobility

2006-08-11T18:31:59Z

yes! i said i would do it and i did!

a tiny step in the right direction, but still nonetheless a step forward. now the date's set, 2 weeks from now, the final test, and i know in 2 to 3 months' time, i will come to own what i've been working hard for.

this would have been something i had owned had i not proscratinated in the past.

it's time to start being the man that i want to be, and should be. be responsible for all the things that i've done or not done in the past! be the 36-year old that i am supposed to be.

but of course, some things don't change that easily...like dripping sauces on my shirt or tie while eating, leaving blobs of ice cream around my mouth without knowing...hahaha!

44/50

2006-08-08T14:41:51Z

i am not striving for perfection, just that 1 mark that'll help me move on in this whole rigmarole of tests...

44 out of 50... with a flaming red sign that says "failed"...argghHHH!

now that it's got me all fired up, i am definitely gonna make sure everything's correct on friday.

yes! friday - 1 step closer to mobility

the cart before the horse?

2006-08-07T16:52:33Z

the cart before the horse?
the horse before the cart?

whatever it is, i m glad that the blinkers are slowly being removed. i wonder what kind of a view that would be....

but now the bed calls me, lulling me to fields and meadows that i will hope to see in my sleep.

carrion_istari @ 2006-08-08T00:31:00

2006-08-07T16:34:19Z

there've been countless things that i've missed recently.

the physical priximity of him,
the reclining picture of beauty next to me,
his breath on my brow,
and my mom's cooking.

just when i was beginning to wonder when i would savour dinner prepared by her, she asked me last night, "will you be at home for dinner tomorrow night?"
almost seemed like she knew what was on my mind.

and so i came home this evening, abandoning gym, with an anticipation of something that i've missed for so long. what greeted me was more than a spread - there was actually abalone served! ha ha! i wonder if the occasion really called for it.

and so it was the 3 of us, dad, mom and me, sitting in front of the telly, enjoying something that has almost become a luxury that we can hardly afford. what with her virtually working every single day, and my own schedule, i think this is no exaggeration.

"where's ian(cantonese)? ask him to come over and have dinner", my dad offered.

"oh gym, it'll be too late."

i smiled inwardly, quite beside myself at the way they react to him. till this day, i am sometimes still bemused by their acceptance. there and then, i felt i've been so fortunate - to possess love and care from people kin to me - around me or away from me.

in the very near future, it'll be with pleasure that i come back and visit. and they'll have enough love for more than just me, wait, maybe even the little ones that walk on fours * laugh *

just 9 days away...and i'll be able to bring my mom go take a look at our new home. oh yes, i'm sure my dad is still dying to see it again, what with him constantly asking me if the current owner has moved out.

alright, alright, we'll all go...as a family.

Memories Uplifting....

2006-08-06T05:01:57Z

These are moments crystalized in time and in the days to come, they will be the light in the dark.

Autumn Leaves

Star gazing night in a foreign land...
Driving along a road that was made familiar over time
The only difference this time
Is you've returned with your missing half
To trace the paths that you've grown to love.
You turned to me,
In a soft whimsical whisper
That belied the longing in your heart
for the leaves along the road that you knew so well
To turn aflame with autumnal glory.
"Will you turn red for me?"
Rhetoric danced in haunting moves before my eyes.
Leaving me with brine filled eyes to contend with my mundane mortality.
I wish I had the power to grant that simple wish fulfilled.

"The greatest gift is to love and be loved in return."

I think I have wealth beyond measure.

**************************

From Feeling to Knowing

The moment crystallized
As we paddled out to the sea
With the breeze caressing our faces,
Constantly lulling our paddles out of line.

There, in that crystallized moment,
Everything stood still,
despite the sounds of merry making
Coming from the coast.
And in that moment,
Came the conviction, sealed in searing scarlet on my heart.
A conviction that stems from Knowing
That it is with you that I will paddle,
On any given day,
To rough the toughest seas,
To catch the grandest sights,
To win Life's victories
To claim the journey
as Ours, and not only yours, or mine.

Your voice lulled me back from reverie,
With the words that I've come to love,
Anchored by the new name given
By you to me,
by which I now hold true.

"Hubby"

**************************

One Year on

One year on...

Though the initial splendour
of all things new
has lost its sheen,
Though sometimes the differences
Have taken a voice at
A higher decibel,
Though sometimes we seem
Too eager to make
Our own voice heard,
We have not ignored the Pangs
That took us hook, line and sinker,
That still continue to take us deeper.

The light that once was,
Still is,
Though it may take on
A different hue.
A hue perhaps slightly more subdued
But nonetheless ever so potent
And even so renewed.

"My Love more dear - than this Life - you are to me,
Your kiss, more clear, than the crest of the sea."

I love you, Hubby.

One year on...
I am still thrilled by the one voice that calls me "Hubby", which gets me turning with anticipation and relief, to the one who's given me so much.

***********************

Certainty Returned

And here's my answer to Contradix, 6 months after we've journeyed together...

It all began at the time
When we were Strangers in the Night,
looking for brisk Love entrenched in duplicity.
A furtive look that stirred the loins,
that gripped the heart and had it racing for miles and miles.

At dawn, when it would usually be the end
Was where we began.
My voice soared and took flight at the
Tentative stirrings of the day so bright,
taking shape as an Angel at Sunrise.
And now whenever strife takes us,
it is that same Angel that you hold tight.

Soon that meeting became a union -
Parallel lines that no longer could
suffer their lateral existence.

A consummation of Moby and Aveda,
Of Paradise Motel and L'Erbolario,
Of Natalie Merchant and Molton Brown,
Of Hotel Costes and Shiny Faucets.

"And so we began...
we laughed...
we cried...
we held hands...
we cuddled...
and we came together, with each other."

And you gave me Control so freely...
That I quivered...I surrendered,
And submitted to the love of you.

Now I would want to give you all that I have, all that is important,
And all that is intrinsic of my identity.
Only to you.

Thank you for being the Man of my life, and thank you for allowing me to be the
Man of your dreams.
A marriage of souls
A union of minds
A melding of bodies.
A space where 2 men will harness
All they possess to create all
They will ever need to own -
A love divine.

We have come full circle to comsummate what Certainty is.

***************************

Certainty

The following is a quote. I could not have put it across any better than this....

"it started out as mutual attraction - physical
but i wasn't able to recall his looks
somehow, there was a connection - which was more than skin-deep
except the knowledge that the bathroom is his santuary
that, which mattered to him was somehow etched - subconsciously
i found myself browsing through books on bathrooms

funny how things seemed to find their own places by themselves
a single sms would spark off hours of lengthy conversations each night,
we would talk about ourselves, about what matters most to us,
and trivial issues even
i shared my darkest secrets, while he did with his
i had found my soulmate

then came the urge to want to get to know him better
the idiosyncracies which he has
his thought patterns, his reactions to each of mine
prior to each and every meet-ups, there was anticipation
but it was not smooth sailing
it was unconventional how we started out

"will you journey with me?" he asked
i did wonder if he was ready
uncertainties rang in my head
the timing did not seem rightly so
yet rights and wrongs are always so subjective

so we started
we laughed
we cried
we held hands
we cuddled
and so we came together, with each other

then the relationship took a turn - it surprised me, pleasantly so
i fell in love all over again
head over heels i did, i was spinning cartwheels
what was supposed to be a planned dinner became a date
no perceived expectations, no pressured conversations
we fell in love, across the dinner table

with each passing moment, with each passing day
with each reflection on my previous relationships
i realised that i've found my other half
two wholes coming together becoming one whole with each other
i've had a friend before, i've had a lover too
now, i've found much more than that

a lover, whom i can love tenderly and wildly
a man, whom i so willingly hold and who lets me do so without flinching
a partner, who can spar with me, intellectually and emotionally
a friend, whom i can confide in and who treats me likewise
a hubby, who is in a relationship with me
i've found in him, someone whom i can see growing old with

that, is certainty"

- Contradix, sometime at the end of last year

***********************

Regret

The beep tone goes off
And my heart leaps
Poised with expectation anew
To long for the voice or the text
That has given me delight immeasurable.

Disappointment creases my brow
Heart sinks to the deepest trough
To find Hope dashed
Blazed in a garish gash
Across the deepest pits
Of my soul whose wounds are too deep to dress.

I wish I have the power to change the course of the past
To combat the demon that has left me impoverished and defeated
If I could...I would
Only if I could... I would
Lift you up to where the eagles are
To exalt you to where the sun shines
Perennial and true.
My One and Only,
My Warrior and Saviour,
My Comforter and Soulmate Dear.

Forgive me.

carrion_istari @ 2006-08-06T02:53:00

2006-08-05T18:53:09Z

coincidences...this day seemed to have been characterised by it.

a dinner arrangement was made with a friend, and i duly made my way down my block 25 minutes prior to the appointment to catch the bus and train. and there ambling about was a yellow top cab. my dad, putting up the "toa payoh" sign on his cab, waved to me to get on. it could have been a minute earlier or later and i would have missed him. so that saved me close to $8 to town?

because i was having dinner with paul, i thought it would be a good idea to ask wayne to join us for drinks after dinner, since they haven't met for some time. and because wayne was part-timing this evening on rediffusion, and had another friend, richard, as a studio guest, he asked richard along. and so we all had a good time catching up on how each other's lives have been. the company was relaxed and the atmosphere, scintillating. i think all of us left the cheesecake cafe having enjoyed the evening tremendously.

oh gawd, this sounds just like that stupid lipton tea ad that we see in the cinemas...you know, the one that leads out with a tag that says "good things grow"?

there are some things in life that you just can't plan for. perhaps good things do grow, we just have to let providence do its work sometimes....

paul, old friend, thanks for dinner.

****************

i vacuumed and mopped the floor this afternoon, only to remember the last time i did, the things that we had bought for the new house hadn't been there. that must have been at least 2 months ago. gosh! it's been that long since i'd helped with the housework around the house.

really time for me to do some cleaning up.

brought everrything?

2006-08-02T18:51:55Z

so very often, we forget how the most important people in our lives are just taken for granted...parents, siblings, partners - our loved ones.

today as i stepped out of the house for work, he asked a question. it's a question that's probably been asked a million times everytime i step out of the house.

"brought everything? handphone? wallet, keys?"

"yes, brought already."

but somehow this morning, my senses stopped as i gave him the standard reply. i seemed to hear more than just a routine question. i heard concern, a love that could not be expressed in another way, or rather, in a way that was most familiar, safest..... the words almost took on a plaintive note.

but no matter how it was said, i heard those words for what they were almost for the first time today.

i love you too, pa. though we may not have a common language that will speak our thoughts and feelings all the time, i love you nonetheless.

i hope you are still enjoying the lcd tv... :)

thank you for buying the season parking month after month with so much eagerness, thank you for giving me your blessing of the life that i've chosen, and the person that i've chosen my life with.

as i stepped out in my new work shoes, i hope this is a new step in the right direction.

31 and counting

2006-07-31T17:13:32Z

the magical pun, of a number upon a number.
welcome to a new decade of dreams since set in motion,
where actualisation will meet fulfilment.

no matter how many others were this day made,
no matter how insigificant this day is,
i will hold it close to my heart
like past, present and future,
woven into the very meaning of existence itself.

i am not going to adorn this with anymore embellishments than it already derserves, so i am going to just tell it the way it is, the way you are, and the way you've made me.

thank you for sharing with me the notes of a song that i would otherwise not hear; appreciate that melody could be found in the plainest of tunes - all it takes is a little patience and a willingness to explore the world of music and what rewards it can bring us. kinda means going off the beaten path a little.....

thank you for challenging me to take an unflinching look at myself, and realise that anger is power misapplied and abused. i now realise that i am the only person who is made prisoner of the anger that i unleash. realisation is only the prequel to the main story, for the challenge is for me to understand it, grapple with it and manage it.

but perhaps i've also held you captive along the way.....

i've been a prisoner to the inner critic for far too long. it's time to hear and heed the inner coach. the voices inside my head...it's time to let them leave.

i thank this day, thirty-one years ago, that brought you into our company, and am even more grateful for the providence of us making our way to each other.....

i remember those times that i made you laugh, i've never mentioned how much they were worth to me. they are worth more than anything that money could buy. the happiness that i felt seeing that forehead getting creased with laughter, because of something that i did or said, was so gratifying. here i was, having the ability to make someone i cared for so deeply, happy, was a gift that i had never had the pleasure of giving.

thank you for sparring with me, which made me feel that life doesn't need to be serious all the time, and that we could poke fun at ourselves.

and thank you, for making me realise (and i am still learning) what it means to love someone as you would love yourself.

s.u.m.o.

2006-07-25T16:43:29Z

was on course this morning.

S.U.M.O. - Shut Up Move On. kinda agressive title, but it actually turned out to be one of the most fruitful half day workshops that i've attended in a long time since.

and something spoke so relevantly to me...

a simple formula : E + R = O

events + response = outcome.

we often think that the events in our lives will lead us to a direct outcome. life is a tapestry of events and occurences that will no doubt affect us intrinscially. so long as we are alive and living, events will continue to take place around us, and we will either be made the better or worse by them.

however, we very often forget that just as important are the responses that we give to these events that occur in our lives. it is never a case of events = outcome, but events + response that equals outcome.

an example that he cited touched me deeply...

years ago he was doing a seminar in york, which is a beautiful city in UK. he was booked into a boutique hotel just 2 minutes away from the seminar venue, but because it was a small hotel, it could not offer parking for their guests in the day time due to the tourist season. as a result, he had to park his car a mile away from the hotel, which incidentally meant that he had to walk that mile, juggling with props for the seminar along the way.

naturally he was cursing and swearing along the way. it was a response that would have been perfectly human...

...and suddenly he remembered that years ago, he wouldn't have been able to walk that mile. he was previously stricken with chronic fatigue syndrome - the simplest of actions like walking was something that was beyond him. when the recognition struck him, he became humbled and started enjoying the walk that would otherwise have been a privilege that he couldn't afford. and slowly the beauty of the city became apparent to him, and he became aware of the sunny day that he was walking under - something that UK really doesn't get a lot.

none of this is new found science...i guess we all know it. but just how often are we conscious of it as we go through our lives responding to the events that occur in our lives.

perhaps we really need to stop and think, and start allowing the inner coach to speak instead of the inner critic.

i think i want to take a different route to start admiring the trees and smelling the flowers...just hope that i am ready. yes, i know i am ready.

we are progressing!

2006-07-25T16:01:44Z

so now there's another thing that we can be proud of...crime rates over the same period between this year and the last has dropped tremendously!

theft of mobiles have almost been reduced by half, from 2000 odd cases in the first half of last year, to slightly over a thousand.

well, but to think that murder on the other hand, has tripled from 4 last year jan -jun to 15 for the same period this year...

well so it seems we've really gone from small things to really big ones...petty crimes to heinous felonies......

nice

carrion_istari @ 2006-07-07T00:58:00

2006-07-06T17:01:21Z

got back home, and actually felt good coming back home. it's been a long day, longer than i'd wished. and i certainly wish this week to be over sooner than it can end, although the weekend isn't exactly what i look forward to - what with a good half a day taken up by work on saturday, and the sunday night having this dept bonding thing AGAIN! i don't even enjoy soccer, and to imagine having to go to a chalet (my spirits are already dampened by half) in the middle of the night to wait for a stupid game of football on tv known as the final match between italy and france. the whole thing's just so screwed up!

argghhh! suddenly i feel that life is in limbo, and i can't wait for it to get back to normal. something's amiss, something's displaced and i don't think i have the capacity to set it right at this point in time.

i want to go home...but just can't seem to find my way.
suddenly i feel all alone, and wish help would come my way.
a voice, a pat, a hug that says
this is home where your heart stays
in love and comfort for your remaining days.

i hope tomorrow will be a good day.

radio idol

2006-07-06T16:29:00Z

all for good fun...

well, the radio idol organised by my dept didn't turn out so bad, though $500 MOC vouchers were out of reach, well at least i could still be comforted with $50 MOC vouchers.

and if i hadn't chosen a wrong song, that $500 MOC vouchers could have been mine...they could just have been...